On the eve of 2022…

Tonight is the big night—it’s New Year’s Eve! There are parties, celebrations, and count-downs as the minutes and seconds push us into a new calendar year. We have food rituals and activities that make their way to the top of the list to ring in the new year. But, one important thing we always consider is who to spend it with. 

Some think it’s a night for couples, but I’m not of that mindset. Although it is true who we are with is more important than how we celebrate, especially as time goes by. Wow, I feel old saying that! Yes, I’ve done everything from large parties, kids game nights, date nights, movie nights, and trying to stay up and watch the ball drop so many times, only to fall asleep and miss the big moment. I did it all with my man, Lee Gaupp. But, this time it is very different. It’s the most unwelcome change. He is not here. 

They say it’s hard to go through holidays after a loved one passes away. It’s true, I have gone through half a year without my husband. For me it’s not the holiday that’s hard, it is living every single day without him. Before I even open my eyes, he is the first thing on my mind when I wake up. But as the holidays go, this is the most monumental one for sure. 

The loss of a loved one is a trauma, and time isn’t normal for those who are left behind. Time sort of stands still, although there is an awareness that the days, weeks, and months are passing. It is like trying to stand in place in a riverbed with the current rushing, splashing, and moving against us so strong that we are being pushed along. It’s quite a process for the mind to catch up with the reality of our grief event and to process the shock. That really does just take as long as it takes. There is no way to hurry the healing process of such a deep, significant, and lasting loss.  

I am in the midst of my grief journey, gripping tightly to my Father’s hand. He is the Good Shepherd, leading me and lighting up my darkened world. He keeps me company in my aloneness. But, if I didn’t have His constant presence and continual help, I know the dark force trying to entrap me would be successful in pulling me into the deepest hollows of the earth’s underbelly. But, God is my light, He holds me tight and reminds me of His promises to me in the night.

What’s God reminding me of right now?

Only three days ago I realized it was time for the New Year. All my thoughts about how well I’d made it through the holidays, patting myself on the back for being so brave came to a crashing halt. I wasn’t mentally ready to step into a new year, one that my husband would never be part of. 

I thought I should prepare but I didn’t know how; I didn’t know what to do. For people who have lost a spouse, facing a new year without their person in it is the most difficult thing. So, I immediately started a conversation about it with God. First I went into detail about how I felt and then I asked Him to show me anything He wanted me to understand. I then went about my day, knowing the new year was fast approaching whether I was ready or not.

Here’s the thing, all good gifts are from our Heavenly Father. We know He is the Gift Giver! I was meditating on that and how my husband was such a good gift. I said to the Lord, “I know you give good gifts, but do you take them away?” Just voicing this out loud caused me to break.

But in my heart, I heard Him answer, “I know it feels that way, but I do not take goodness from you. I chose to bring Lee into your life as a present. Now, even though he resides in heaven with me, you still have a rich and lasting deposit of that gift that will continue. And just so you understand, I have more goodness to add to your life. That’s what I do, that’s who I am.”

This understanding that God saw right where I was and took time to encourage me was like a balm over my battered heart. And I was reminded of another time He spoke to me about times I had let things in my life go and counted them as loss—His perspective was broader and wiser than mine. You can read about that here. This passage in Proverbs 4:18 is the promise God reminded me of, He will lead me on a path that will shine brighter and brighter. It is a path of increase and growth, not of decrease.

I will not cower. I will run toward that glimmering light of dawn with fierce bravery!

That’s it, I’m ready. I have made my decision. I will trust God and claim this as a personal promise. 

I have a task to do tonight as a symbolic act, facing forward with my sorrow. I am buying myself a new watchband for my apple watch. It will be my way of acknowledging that time is still moving and that I consciously yield all of my time left on this earth to the Lord, as a living sacrifice. And for the record, He already knows I don’t think any of it is fair.

For all the other struggling hearts out there, He sees you. And His love for you is fierce!

May God enable us to recognize His goodness, as it tracks us down and finds us more and more!

Tami Sorenson Gaupp

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