Eager with a Twist
The word is eager.
Yesterday while I was behind the wheel for a joyride, this realization hit me and I announced, “The word today is eager! I am eager.” I woke up today thinking about it, looked it up, and let my thoughts soar a bit. No grand insight, only the concept of a child running with anticipation to the Christmas tree to find their present to see what they got. I have eagerness like that to see what next good thing am I going to find in the slow walk of endurance I’ve been on. It’s been a thorny path. That’s why it’s mind-boggling, because I know I could be crying my eyes out; being eager must be a gift planted within my heart. “I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living”, comes to my mind from a Bible verse I know. This ties being eager to our ability to believe that we will see goodness in this life.
Interrupted by stupid.
I went about my day, then a phone call sucked me back between the cracks of government agencies and I was stuck again. It’s been an unwanted field trip to the underbelly of the system of what widows go through, since Lee died. I had already done my due diligence, sent emails, made calls to each agency, worked with my agent but it all hit a dead end suddenly and I was mad. This is where the word stupid entered the equation. But not the whole word, just STUP—for it’s one syllable staccato effect. My mouth was just a stup machine as I was setting up a printer on my desk, “Stup, stup, stup, stupid!” For fifteen minutes I focused inward, busying myself with tasks, and processing my plight that nobody was willing or able to move on my behalf. I was quieting down, only with a random stup here and there.
A joyful plot twist.
It wasn’t lost on me that I went from feeling eager and expectant to feeling pent up frustration coming out in a “stupid” rant. “Eagerness must not be tied to a feeling,” I thought. My energy was diverted to my mind processing the problem and my emotions riled up, and yet my heart still believed goodness would come. I was entertaining all these thoughts when the phone rang. It was a very short but shocking call. An agency rep (the only one who had the power to help) stopped by my agent’s office and instantly the tide turned in my favor. And the mental and emotional roller coaster I was on stopped and I got off. Just like that it was done! I’m resting the word stupid for now. Haha! Indeed, I would have despaired into hopelessness had I not believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. The Father knows how to give the best gifts!!
